We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
