im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
