I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Randomize
