I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
