I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
