I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
