I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
