I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
