great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
