Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I enjoy the company of your penis
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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