i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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