Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
