I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just cropdusted the office
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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