Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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