can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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