Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
