I wish I could teleport
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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