Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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