I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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