I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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