we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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