Small penises have feelings too.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
