I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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