U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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