you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
