you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
