Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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