I could make wine with my vomit
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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