This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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