direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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