Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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