I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
