Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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