So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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