my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She's like a pop up book from hell.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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