Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
