Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
