I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
