i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
She has the best kind of daddy issues
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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