I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
