just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
