Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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