my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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