I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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