So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
