sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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