She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
