I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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