dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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