bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
