I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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