I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
