I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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